Eric Stewart: Running Off At The Mouth

I’ve written this in my head hundreds … probably thousands of times. And the finished product won’t resemble a vast majority of the versions that have come before. It may also seem a little disjointed; one reason why the post hasn’t been written earlier is because I couldn’t figure out how to arrange it (still can’t, really). But the post rattles around in my brain, and this is probably the easiest way for me to move on from the feelings triggering the post is to just write the damn thing.

I’m not looking for sympathy, really. I mean, it’s nice, but perhaps this is being written to explain why I’m not doing certain things, and also maybe to let others who stumble across it that might be feeling similarly that, they’re not alone. They’re not the only one. It’s going to take time, but you’ll get through it.

I haven’t been … motivated lately. I guess that’s my default emotion for a while: not sad, but craving distraction. Not wanting to think about the things that might make me sad. And unfortunately one of the things that I should be doing, studying, isn’t enough of a distraction, so I’ve been playing simple games on the PS4 or finding TV shows to binge watch … or searching YouTube to find stuff to distract me. So I haven’t had the motivation to study for my impending retake of the CCNA exam in June at Cisco Live. But I’ve really had a hard time caring about that. The most I feel about it is a little guilty that I started streaming some of my studying and I still seem to get new followers on Twitch every so often, and I can’t help but think it’s because of the old streams of my studying that might be triggering their follows. And since I haven’t had the desire to study and stream … I feel like I’m leaving those followers hanging.

I do miss my Mom. She died in a car accident May 26, 2017. It was sudden and unexpected. But it was also … remote. We’d touch base once every month or two, but it’s not like I was still living with her every day.

Not like Papi.

I met Papi and his brother Roo sometime in very early 2008. If I didn’t fall in love with their mother instantly (well, I married her, so it happened somewhere along the line), I did fall in love with them instantly. They were both very good boys. Amazingly compatible for two dogs that were so different: Roo the energetic, always playful, somewhat “dainty”, silly boy, who would cuddle but only reluctantly – and really seems a little too fragile to give a good squeeze to; and Papi, who would play, but was usually comparatively somber and just wanted to be squeezed and was always ready to shower you with kisses.

They were, for over ten years, as much mine as they were Erika’s. Walks at least three times a day, food twice … Mom was the giver of treats, but Dad was the provider. And I was dad.

Papi got sick probably sometime in June/July 2018; initially, it seemed like pancreatitis, which can have a dog not able to eat for a week or more. We ended up being referred to an internal medicine specialist who we ended up seeing probably once every two weeks. Papi had issues with his liver and kidneys, and in the process of trying to figure it all out, ended up going through surgery in August in an attempt to remove a mass from his bladder. After the surgery we found out he had bladder cancer, and they couldn’t get all of it out due to where it was.

Life then of course became a little challenging. Trying to figure out how to get him as much time as we could, dealing with the stress of waking up to him peeing on the (initially) floor, eventually carpeting the house in peepads, going home every day from work at lunch to give him a chance to go outside and hopefully not in the house …

Before going any further, I want it to be clear: I’d go through all of it again to have him back. And he seemed, most of the time, to be himself. He’d greet us at the door, give kisses and snuggles, wag his tail, hang out with us if he was up to it (otherwise, he’d retreat to the bedroom).

Treating the cancer was problematic with the condition his bladder and liver were in. At some point you have to just forego that and focus on the liver and kidneys first. But then, after a bout of three weeks of not eating, the doctor finally said there wasn’t anything that could be done: he was in liver and kidney failure, and still had the cancer. It was time to start thinking about simply the quality of life.

I have mixed feelings about that particular day. He wasn’t at all doing well – barely self mobile. I didn’t want to see him suffer any more. But Erika, in her wisdom, wasn’t ready. I suggested to the doctor that if he ate, he might feel a lot better. She sent us home with a drug for that, and a promise to be there when we were ready.

He got better. We had many many more months than expected with him. But it did take its toll; we didn’t take our usual annual vacation, and were still dealing with a house covered in peepads and a lack of sleep. We stayed home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, since we’d rather not have our family deal with a dog that would pee unexpectedly in the house. There were discussions of certain things in the future … there was even a thought that I might miss Cisco Live 2019 …

Then Papi just started having trouble keeping anything down. He’d eat, but then eventually throw it up. And once he threw something up, he wouldn’t eat it again. He’d eat other foods if given, until he threw them up. It was the sign that things were not going to get better.

We said goodbye February 28, 2019.

I don’t want to minimize anyone’s loss of a child, but if you adopted a loving son at the age of three and he died at the age of 14, I kind of know how you’d feel.

I was very sad for a while, but I don’t think I’m generally “sad” these days. Just … not motivated. Yes, as I write this (since it’s triggering memories) I’m on the verge of crying (honestly, it feels kind of good in a weird way). But outside of writing this post, I feel … lazy. Which honestly, I have a lazy streak to start with, so it’s not wholly that unusual. But I just don’t have the will right now to not be lazy. I’m able to go to work, clean the house (though honestly not as thoroughly as I used to), do things that need doing … just, not motivated to do anything more than the bare minimum. So in a way, it’s kind of my own little form of depression.

And it annoys me. Not enough to do more than write this blog post, but it annoys me.

It’s been almost two months. And I think about him every day, even without something (other than his absence) triggering the thoughts. I still go through pictures of him probably a minimum of once a week. As much as they make me sad, I look at my Facebook Memories specifically for posts about him, and kind of feel worse when there isn’t one.

Roo has been great. He’s tolerated the showering of love he’s getting, even though a lot of it is probably not his preferred kind. But rarely does a day go by that he doesn’t do something that causes us to laugh, if even a little. And he deserves so much more than he’s getting, because we were so focused on Papi, I think he got the bare minimum for a while.

So … this is kind of where I’m at. If you were wondering why there weren’t any blog posts (other than the Cisco Live ones, which kind of write themselves) here or on the other place, or perhaps why I haven’t been streaming, this should explain it. This is also a convenient excuse as to why I don’t yet have my CCIE (or, perhaps it’s also the reason why I don’t really have my CCNP/CCNA any more). But I will be making it to Cisco Live this year, and we’ve already scheduled a vacation in September … so, attempts to move forward are being made.

I just can’t find the motivation right now to do much more than live my life. And, in spite of the losses, it’s actually a pretty good life. I miss my mom; I miss Papi. Eventually I’ll get to the point where I can move forward. It’s been a little harder than I would have expected/hoped, but I know it will happen eventually, so I’m not worried.

Just annoyed. And lazy.